By N. H. Levin

It would seem that after years of rumor and speculation, at long last the Loch Ness Monster (known to friends and loved ones as "Nessie") has turned up in Milt Goldfarb’s swimming pool.

"This was the craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen. I just went out to the pool the other morning to check the PH balance and there was a big freaking lizard sitting in it, chewing on the diving board like it was a giant slab of beef jerky."

For the record, near as we can tell "big" and "freaking" translates to a monstrosity about 30 feet tall - that's an estimated 11 tons of Jurassic mega-saur. "The thing displaced nearly all the water in the pool." Adds Goldfarb "And believe you me, you wouldn’t want to keep what was left behind. I’m sure you can imagine what sort of additives the thing put in the water. I’m gonna have to start all over with fresh chemicals.

How "Nessie" found her way to the Goldfarb swimming pool in Cactus Rock, Arizona from the foggy swamps of Scotland is anyone’s guess. Professor Norrington Spector, a self-described doctor of "Lizard-ology" at Michigan State University has one theory: "It’s conceivable that the creature has evolved beyond what Scotland can provide for it. A whole bunch of Lizards really like the sun. You see them all over Arizona. Could be that "Nessie" somehow intuited that warmer environments were available here in the states. Plus, with the immigration laws being what they are…"

When asked specifically how the monster would be able to travel from Scotland to America without ever being seen, the Professor had this to say: "I think we have to prepare ourselves for the possibility that the creature has evolved to the point where it now has the capacity to render itself invisible as a means to protect itself. This would explain why "Nessie’s" been so difficult to find or photograph all these years. The implications of this for the human race are far reaching…" Rather than finish this thought, the Professor simply stared off into space dramatically for several seconds.