theSmudge.com

The other night, when I should have been either sleeping or doing something productive, my friend Maggie and I happened to start chatting on Facebook. And in the process she sent me a link to a profile on the OKCupid.com dating website. It started with, “So I’m unemployed and currently trying to get my life on track.” The guy’s profile name has “187” in it, the California Penal Code section for murder. And it had this for his profile photo:

Really? You’re 19, unemployed, and you’re looking for a girl that finds your gas mask attractive? In LODI? Good luck, dude.

But that guy is far from being alone! Maggie and I probably spent another hour on the site, being both amazed and amused. A few gems:

• xchrystalpyro quit smoking four days ago. (The date of his last login? Sept. 9.) “My personality will win you over if you ever quit staring at me,” he says. Well then.
• Mr. tallhandsomensc says, “I am a business that enjoys life.” A business?
• EXMULEMAN (ex? muleman?) starts his profile by saying that his cat told him to get a life. I think this cat should get a gig on David Letterman’s show. Oh, and when asked what he’s good at, he says, “takin’ out the garbage.”
• ssb2 is a grown-up at age 32 but says, “jesus can walk on water and turn wine into beer. i can swim through land and turn wine into pot…”
• Quivirian has three profile photos that look like three different men. He says women should message him if they want someone to write them a sonnet.
• And, last but not least, we have peteranton39 who has “A LUST FOR LIFE, A LUST FOR LOVE, A LUST FOR LAUGHTER AND MUSIC.” Apparently he also has a lust for capital letters. At age 67, he’s looking for a woman between the ages of 22 and 46. In other words, if you’re only 20 years younger than him, rather than 21 years younger, you are too old and don’t have enough “LUST FOR LIFE” to suit him.

So now you know my newest favorite source of amusement. And no, you won’t find my profile on that site, because I don’t  own a gas mask or have enough “LUST FOR LIFE.”